Domali Ayo’s site, rent-a-negro dot com (www.rent-a-negro.com) started something in me.  While viewing her site, I thought about all of the stupid comments and questions I have heard over the years like “what do two women do?” or my favorite comment “that’s like putting two electrical outlets together, you can’t produce anything from that.”  Huh?  Well, I dare say “don’t get me started.”  

Over the years, I too have heard stupid and infantile statements and comments about my hair, my braids, and my favorite hemorrhaging heart liberals who want to be “down with me” on everything from saying “okay” the way we say it to high fives.  Personally, I am fine with folks wanting to be “down with me,” but I am also very careful to make them aware not all Black Folk think alike.  Though we are in the minority, we do not know each other either. 

The same holds true for being a lesbian.  How many of your straight friends try to fix you up with the first lesbian they meet besides you?  You know you are in trouble when your straight friend tries to set you up with ms “oh, she’s so nice, you’ve got to meet her.”   Then there are the conversations I have had with some of my straight friends who ask me about various dildos – like I have a corner on the market regarding them.  “Do they really work?” one friend asked.  My response was “I don’t know, I’ve never used one.”  Shock and disbelief rose in her face as her mind discombobulated only returning to ask “then what do you do?”  When I went down the list of “what we do,” which was more information than she wanted to hear, she responded with an embarrassing “oh.”   Yes, “Oh.” 

Brothers tickle me more “y’all just like eating each other out then, huh?”  Again, huh?  Besides sounding like an unpalatable dining experience, the “eating each other out” phrase is what I hear most from men.  A close second would be “if you need one of them (dildos), why not just have a man?”  I will address my response to these statements a little later. 

I can only say the thought, rent-a-lesbian dot com, fascinates me.  I could answer all of the stupid questions everyone really wants to ask but fear stands in the way of knowledge.  I could be your no holds bar lesbian representative who could speak on lesbian sex, dildos, vibrators, and how we “eat each other out.”  Yes, I could answer every sexual question about how lesbians have sex and go through each sexual position because that is all I have been asked over the years – and yes, that was a run on sentence.  Put bluntly, no one has cared about how loving our relationships are and can be, they have only cared about our sexual relations.  Pity, there’s no real knowledge in that. 

Well, so much for the dream of rent-a-lesbian dot com.  It occurs to me that upon performing at any party, I will probably leave with every woman there in tow.  Already been there, already done that, already got the vampire t-shirt. 

Alas, the top ten stupid questions I’ve heard and my answers:

Q:  What do you do? 
A:  What do we do how?
Q:  Sex?
A:  We do that.
Q:  How?
A.  Just like you, any way we want.

Q:  Do you use a dildo?
A:  Personally, I don’t.
Q:  [again] What do you do, just oral sex?
A:  Apparently, you already know.

Q:  If ya’ll going to use a dildo, why not just stay with men?
A:  The dildo comes without attitude and stays harder longer.

Q:  So ya’ll just like eating each other out?  Or, you like tongue lashing. 
A:  To eat is to consume and a consuming passion can be pleasurable, but it is not that you eat, it is how you eat; or rather, the pleasure is in the tasting.  With regard to “tongue lashing,” it’s about both the mouth and the tongue.  One can’t work without the other.

Q:  How did you know you were a lesbian.
A:  I prefer women to men.  Did I miss something?

Q:  No, you aren’t a lesbian, are you?  You don’t look like a lesbian?
A:  Yes, I am and exactly what does a lesbian look like?

Q:  I know a lesbian when I see one and you don’t look like one.  You’re just confused.
A:  Really, you know one when you see one.  Help me out, point some out to me.

Q:  Don’t tell me you’re going to cut off all your hair and start wearing men’s clothes now and start running around looking all rough now are you?
A:  Funny, most of the lesbians I know don’t look like what you’ve described and, so what if I do?  What part of my life are you currently handling?

Q:  Are you the man or the woman in your relationship?
A:  I am a woman.
Q:  So your girlfiend is the man?
A:   Like you said, my girlfriend is a woman.

Oh, I could go on, but I will conclude with a more recent conversation I had with a dear, clueless friend.

Q:  That’s like putting two electrical outlets together; you can’t produce anything with that.
A:  Oh, but you can sure get a spark and start a fire.