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March 18, 2006
Sleep Deprivation Part Deux
Posted at March 18, 2006 10:50 AM in Lupus .
Yesterday I did go back to bed for naught. I tossed and turned for a couple of hours before finally coming to the conclusion that sleep, for me anyway, is elusive. I got up and walked, miserably, around the house and found myself envious of one of my dogs who was so sound asleep, curled up in his little bed, he never heard me walking around him. I stood there staring at him for the longest time as if somehow his ability to sleep so soundly would rub off on me. It did not.
Finally, my insurance papers came in for my car and I decided to take the risk and drive a little distance to the DMV to get the sticker I have needed for my car since November. Yes, I’ve been driving around without the proper registration for my car. Since my big red butt sticks so far up in the air, police have little difficulty seeing that big yellow sticker, from last year, still planted on my rump. This has caused me to be stopped countless times as I go through their requisite demands. “Do you have insurance? Can I see your registration? The reason why I stopped you is because your car is not registered.” This has blown 15 minutes of my day – particularly my commute in to work – on several occasions. As a result, I stopped going too many places that would lead me far from home. Within my little community, I’ve been safe. Stray too far from home and bingo, blue lights and not in the basement.
In the rain, I made my trek to the DMV where I found so many strange people I wanted more to just sit there and enjoy the sights. Unfortunately, it was a quick to do and I was off and on my way, legally this time, to another destination.
My next destination was right across the street, to a barbeque grill shop, where I had hoped to look at and possibly purchase a grill for my backyard. I have a small George Foreman grill which is excellent. I heard there is a larger model for backyard grilling and my intent was to find this grill. Unfortunately, I forgot about sleep deprivation and stepped off a curb, without looking, and was almost creamed by a large van. Yes, God does take care of fools and babies and certainly, I’m not a baby. I wasn’t thinking because my brain isn’t working that well these days.
I did make it to the shop but, considering where I could have been – lying in the street waiting for an ambulance to take my badly mangled body to a hospital – I could not see anything in that store. I made it safely back across the street to my car. Destination: HOME!
Yes, I am nothing more than a zombie walking unconscious through the streets. My brain misfires and I can do nothing about it. Though my brain is constantly running anyway – that I’ve been able to deal with over the years without a hitch – this is much more difficult to deal with and dangerous. As a result, and against my better wishes, I called my mother for advice.
I so hate telling my mother anything about what I’m going through but, as a nurse, I look for those little pieces of wisdom she can impart. Though I am a middle-aged, gray haired woman – okay, so I dyed it – I am still her child and she worries about me. I know this and I hate telling her anything because of that worry but I had to break down yesterday hoping she would have an answer.
My mother did mention how my brother and I have always had difficulty sleeping, however, that little problem is due in large part to the running meter in our brains. Sometimes we can’t turn the thing off. In my case, I have learned meditation works. When I meditate about green grasses, mountain walks or streams, my brain easily slips out of gear and I’ll soon fall peacefully to sleep. This is not the case now. My body, my eyes, my brain – I feel miserable.
We did come up with a few things to try like warm water with lemon, chamomile tea, green tea, no Ambien – basically, I came away with a list of things to try and yet, I tried none of them last night because, I forgot – another problem I am having with sleep deprivation and prednisone. Needless to say, I got to sleep some two hours after getting in the bed only to awaken three hours later. As much as I hate staying in the bed after waking, I did just that and slept for another three hours. It seems three hours is the magic number.
I awakened this morning remembering something my mother and I talked about last night. Unfortunately, when we talked last night my brain waves were straight lining and I could not delve deeper than the surface of our conversation. This morning, however, I remembered she said she thought perhaps she may have discoid lupus because of the skin problems she’s had all of her life. I agree, I believe she does but was never diagnosed which is common. I also believe one of my aunts has both discoid and systemic lupus as well though she never talks about it. She will not go out into the sun uncovered because, as my mother told me last night, she swells. Very interesting. I also believe there are others in my family – mother’s side – who may have died as a result of complications from lupus but, because everyone is so secretive – to admit you have an illness is an admission of weakness – I am not privy to that information and that’s a shame.
Another thing, my mother discovered in one of her nursing magazines that lupus is prevalent in African American women and certain Indian tribes. She mentioned the Croix Indians which is something, according to my mother, my grandmother talked about often. Apparently, somewhere in the family, there is a tie to the Croix Indians and they too have a high incidence of lupus. Very interesting. I believe, between my mother and I, somewhere we will find a link to my current condition in my family history.
Then there was this little nugget of information. My uncle who died from kidney disease had a blood disorder that is common in Jewish people – yes, there is some of that in my family as well and is the reason why I cannot go there with folks and their anti-Semitic ways, they’re talking about my people too – but, this condition is also common among those diagnosed with lupus. It has something to do with tumors in the blood and my uncle had this.
This bit of information has led me to a series of questions. Men are known to have lupus as well though it is not as common or as prevalent as in women. Could my uncle’s renal failure have something to do with his NOT being diagnosed with lupus? Could his life have been spared if he had been properly diagnosed thus, taking him down the path I am now going instead of the path toward dialysis? That is not to say I may not find myself on dialysis one day as well, but there is a big difference between treatment for lupus nephritis and allowing one’s kidneys to fail and taking the path of dialysis. Because of the huge cloak of secrecy existing within my family, I may never know the answers.
Armed with a little more information, I now realize all I have done over the years has been beneficial to help me fight a disease I never knew I had. Particularly, I’ve always had a problem sweating. I retain water easily and this is the reason why I’ve always either exercised rigorously or took advantage of saunas whenever possible. Since I’ve been in this state of mourning and without access to a sauna, I retained quite a bit of water. In fact, I’ve always known my weight problem had more to do with water retention than actual fat. Thank God the gym near me will open soon as I will be in that sauna religiously. My uncle may have had a similar problem and that is why his kidneys failed. I also have a first or second cousin – Lord knows I can’t keep up – who died from kidney problems and no one can give me a straight answer as to what it was she had. All I have been able to ascertain is she had stones; were they kidney stones, gall stones, no one knows, but initially, I heard kidney.
This quest for information has been daunting. Though I am quite capable of dropping into a place from out of no where and popping out into the ether just as quickly, I am confident lupus did not just pop out of no where with me. It is in my family somewhere and I will find it. Just like queer started popping out too – no one wanted me to know that one.
Be that as it may, at least I am now legal and can rome around the city freely with my red butt sitting high in the air for all to see. I am gettting out of the house today to drive far and wide, cameras in tow, to capture a bit of life previously unseen. I will also make a list to post prominently in the kitchen which says "make tea before bed." I hope this works.
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