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February 08, 2006
Another Day Off -- Oh Well
Posted at February 8, 2006 09:47 AM in Lupus .
Oh well, I’m off, again. Had to take the day off because my heart is beating so wild in my chest and at such a quick step it’s wearing me out. I mean tired, as in wore out. What makes it worse is, even at rest, while in bed trying to sleep, the thing keeps going. I’ve been waking up feeling as if I’ve had no sleep at all.
So, today, I rest. I cannot allow the thing out for a run in the park because it might not come back and I wouldn’t blame it. It’s got to stay there and if I need to lie down and stay in bed today (with laptop), I will. Too, I am no ways interested in being anyone's superwoman either.
This incident has brought a dream back to me, however, a dream I had a few months ago filled with espionage and drama. In the dream, these G-men were after me but couldn’t quite do away with me so they hired this thug-like guy to do it. Unfortunately, in order to get me he had to spray paint bullets across a courtyard taking down a few others in the process. I hate a wasteful use of energy. Anyway, he did get me and as I was lying there, dying, true to form, I was enjoying the process of dying. The knucklehead, unfortunately, did not understand my pleasure and was trying to hasten the process. He pointed the barrel of his gun at me to finish me off. With one weak hand, I tried to point the gun away from me because I really wanted to enjoy the process of dying.
That is so me. I can just see myself going “oh wow, so this is death. What a concept. It’s not that bad.” Like I’m on some LSD flashback or something. So, I thought about it this morning and said, if I die and I know I will one day, I really don’t want it to be behind my desk at work. I’d rather be at home. No, I don’t anticipate dying anytime soon, but what I’m trying to say is I will enjoy every day as it comes because you never know. I’m taking the day off. I will enjoy the day of rest. Tomorrow is another day. I will enjoy it too but after I’ve given myself time to rest.
I believe part of the problem is no meat. I’ve experienced this before, years ago, when I first gave up meat. The body gets light, energetic and you feel up, kind of high, and all systems are go. I figure in a couple of days this too shall pass but, in the meantime, I will rest. Oh yeah, I had the same experience on the Bohemian Diet as well, only it was a sudden onset of FAST before it finally quieted down.
So, I will rest today and will pick up the fight tomorrow.
Prednisone is a little problematic as well because it makes you feel like turning yourself into a Donald Trump, wanting to build Trump II, in a day, finer than anything. It picks you up and makes you think you can conquer the world, except for one little problem, you forget how you do everything else.
Last year, thinking the Lipitor was making me crazy – and I believe it was – my doctor informed me that in actuality, it was the prednisone that was making me forgetful. Well, thank you very much for telling me this ahead of time. Now, every morning I have to do a check, double check. Often I’m not so lucky. I’ve walked out of the house without car keys, without ID, without money, without my lunch, without something. I’ve forgotten what bills get paid when. I cannot remember what I did five minutes ago. I often find myself staring in an attempt to remember what it was I was looking for. It’s insane. Don’t drink coffee while on the stuff either, that and the prednisone will really bring you up when you’re down.
So, today, I will rest and will devise a scheme, if you will, for remembering my life. I am too young – I know, that will shock a few folks – to be this forgetful and this fickle.
Actually, I really need to fix it in my head that life as it was is no more. I was once able to stumble through and keep running tabs in my head. Not anymore. I was once able to, in spite of whatever ailed me at the time, continue on, doggedly, until I accomplished whatever I had to do. No more. I have to establish a running tickler to keep me abreast of my own life like, did I let the dogs out? Are they still outside? Did they eat? Did I eat? What med did I just take? Can I eat now? Because, I do forget sometimes. Dates? Oh my God! They are the worse. Was it the 8th or the 9th? When was that now? Was it 3:00 p.m. or 2:00 p.m.? Don't you have something to do this afternoon? Oh yeah, right. It ain't easy being me.
Though I have a PDA -- what a Godsend -- I sometimes forget to look at it. Now, I've set it to do constant reminders meaning, the thing is constantly going off. Bling -- appointment; bling -- return phone call; bling -- get gas on way home; bling -- remember you need gas or you'll stop on the road somewhere; bling -- pay bill today; bling -- remember your brain as you leave the house.
I have friends begging me to quit my job, find something less stressful, "live out the remainder of your years" – yeah, I loved that one too – "doing something you really want to do." My question has always been “and get paid how exactly?” I think a lot of folks don’t understand when you are sick you still want to feel like a contributing member of society. You don’t want to roll over and play dead. It’s counterproductive. Additionally, I've never been one for sitting at home collecting anything. Okay, so call me a "hard ass." I don't care. Actually, right now you can call me beligerent because I'm sick and tired of being tired and sick.
Yeah, I have bad days and I have good days. I try to enjoy the good ones as best I can. I have to live this life until the bell tolls its last for me. I have to continue to move forward until I can no longer move. So, I take it in stride and make lemonade, I’m used to it and I do it so well.
So, today, I will rest and will eat well and will exercise and if I should die in the process – Oh Well! Oh, I know I won't, I just need rest.