Falling
for Straight Women
by Sonya Shields
Sonya Shields is an African American
lesbian, who came out ten years ago while living in Washington,
DC. Within a few years of her coming out, she took a
position with the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force. For
over six years, she held a senior position within the
organization, joined several national boards, and participated
in other community activities. But despite her professional
career as an activist working to achieve social justice for
lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people, she settled for
affairs and relationships with too many straight women.
This is her story.
I’ve been asked over and over why do I go after
women who aren’t available. I’ve consistently replied that
falling for straight women has never been a conscious decision.
Simply coincidental. A coincidence that has regrettably occurred
several times in my life. Often leaving me with wonderful
memories, but a fair share of hurt and loss. This dysfunctional
pattern of looking for love from the wrong woman began in 1989.
I was coming to terms with my desire for women, and found myself
falling in love with one of my best friends. Loving her should
have been easy because she loved me too. However, she fought
admission of her love for me. She could not bring herself to
actually embrace our love, in the way that I “thought” I was
ready and willing to embrace us. Now thirteen years later, she
is fortunately still one of my best friends. We survived what
did grow into an ugly situation that seriously damaged our
friendship. Nearly destroyed it forever. One would think that I
learned from that difficult experience. But I didn’t.
As I look back at my cycle of behavior, I now
realize that I had not fully connected with the lesbian
community. If I had become woven into the fabric of the
community in a meaningful way, I probably would have experienced
loving relationships with lesbians or even women who identify as
bisexual. What’s so interesting is that soon after I came out, I
joined the staff of the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force in
Washington, DC. I was engulfed in issues facing lesbian, gay,
bisexual and transgender (LGBT) people on a daily basis. I
remained with NGLTF for over six years, and was known amongst
activists in the city and throughout the country. But despite my
status as an activist in the LGBT social justice movement, I
never experienced a “relationship” with anyone who was willing
to come out. Certainly I had flings with lesbians at
conferences, affairs, one-night stands, but never a
relationship.
In my effort to find more people like me, I often went outside
of my work, and participated in board activities, discussion
groups and went to parties and bars. And I was often faced with
serious issues around race and class, which I was certainly
familiar with. But I naively thought that somehow the lesbian
community would be more unified. In some circles I wasn’t black
enough; in some circles I was too black; and in other circles I
was “erotic” because I am black. I also felt pressured to
identify myself in an environment of labels. Are you butch or
femme? Are you a top or bottom? Are you a butch bottom or a
femme top? I’d never given all of this a second thought. I met
women who were into S/M; lipstick girls; and women against the
perm in my hair and my lipstick. Often dismayed by barriers and
the lack of inclusiveness in various lesbian circles, I resorted
to my world that consisted of mostly straight friends. The
familiar. It felt safer to me. And in that world, I’d meet a new
female friend who found me fun and cool to hang out with. Once I
revealed my sexuality, a new dynamic developed between us. The
change was subtle. It was so subtle that I didn’t even recognize
the transition at the time. But before long, I was caught up in
her seduction, and to hungry for love to turn her away.
The fact that I allowed this to happen five times while living
in Washington, DC, is disturbing. By the fifth time, I had
become almost an expert at letting go of any real emotional
attachment. I’d acknowledge that being with her was a wonderful
experience -- the first, second and third time we made love. And
then I witnessed her becoming completely weird because she
thought I wanted her as a girlfriend. Lucky for me, I was
finally beginning to understand what I really wanted. Straight
woman number five was about sex. Lust. I had no desire to have
her as my girlfriend. What I did desire was a change. And in
August 2000, I packed my bags and left Washington, DC – headed
for New York.
Upon arriving in New York, I reconnected with old college
friends. Through those relationships, I met a beautiful and
intelligent woman, who is the sixth and final straight woman to
steal my heart. Our getting to know one another was magical.
There was a silent pull that I truly fought. But unfortunately,
I lost. And so, after fourteen months of highs and lows, I’m
certain that I’ll never fall for another straight woman again.
It means taking a major step backwards in my life. And that’s
unacceptable. For years, I soul searched to arrive at a
comfortable place with my sexuality. And I won’t allow shame to
exist in my life. Even more, I will not let fear prevent me from
experiencing happiness. And I will certainly not be treated as
some kind of lesbian recruiter, which is a misdirected way to
scapegoat so many of us. The fact is -- straight woman number
sixth came to me three times with confident seduction. But at
the same time, I was also confronted with her profound shame,
hostility, embarrassment and deep sadness. Emotions I could not
comprehend after having sex. Self-hating is debilitating. Not
having the ability to love freely is inconceivable to me.
I wish that I could confess that the revelation to let go of her
negative energy and my co-dependent behavior came to me without
help. But I saw the light after the wonderful meeting of a
lesbian in New York. She is someone who cherishes the joy that
freedom brings. Through her courage, confidence and activism, I
was reminded of why I came out in the first place. I’d spent all
those years working for the liberation of lesbian, gay, bisexual
and transgender people, but was living my life with people in
the closet! No longer astray, I’m connecting with lesbian and
bisexual women in new and exciting ways. All kinds of women.
I’ve always appreciated and embraced differences. And I’m
feeling their energy and the beautiful thing we share in common
now more than ever. And I’ve also recently had romance in my
life in a meaningful way. We loved with complete openness and
engaged in conversations that were embracing, enlightening and
tremendously rewarding. Additionally, a renewed sense of
activism has taken over me, which has influenced me to write
more and become even more actively involved in issues facing
lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people.
While I have to respect the fact that everyone can’t meet me
where I am right now in my life, I must be true to who I am. I
must continue to live my life with integrity and pride as a
woman who loves women. And at the same time, I will do my best
to provide support for my straight sisters as they question and
explore their sexuality. But, I will no longer turn back the
clock on my progress to live a full and enriching life.
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