Lesbian Lovers

The assumption of many straight friends of mine is that lesbians and gays do not have long-term relationships.   When pressed, they often paint stereotypical images of gay men in bath houses, women in prison, or, when they have run out of things to say, they continue with "these relationships are destined to fail."  Really? 

I have been fortunate enough to know women who have been in monogamous relationships for 5, 10, 15, 20, 30 and 40+ years.  I knew one couple who had been together through their marriages to men, helped each other raise their children, attended the funeral of one husband, and when I left Chicago in 1990, were still together.  They referred to each other as "special friends."

On the topic of special friends, like Alice Dunbar-Nelson, there are many bisexual women who have maintained equally committed and lengthy relationships.  In my early 20s, many, many, moons ago, I attended several parties thrown by women for women who were married or, for whatever reasons, could not be OUT and were living public lives as wives, mothers, and executives.   I had the pleasure of meeting a couple at one of these parties who had been together for a little over five years.    Their husbands (how they met) had parted ways long ago when they changed jobs, but these two women maintained their "special friendship" and cared very much for each other.   Two beautiful women who loved kissing each other. 

For those of you at the six-month, one-year, of four-year marker in your relationship, take heart.  FemmeNoir presents Famous Lesbian Lovers in History.  The links below will take you to photos and some very brief bios of these loving couples.

• Mary Renault and Julie Mullard- Together 50+ years
• Jane Rule and Helen Sonthoff- Together 42 years
• Natalie Barney and Romaine Brooks- 50 years
• Gertrude Stein and Alice B. Toklas- Together 40 years (buried together in Pere Lachaise Cemetary in France)
• Mary Wooley and Jeannette Marks- Together 52 years
• Tiny Davis and Ruby Lucas (jazz musicians)- 42 years and counting...
• Lillian Foster and Mabel Hampton- 41 years
• Grace Hutchins (1885-1969)and Anna Rochester (1880-1966)-
  More than 45 years
• Alice James and Katharine Loring- (1880-1892) 12 years
• Eleanor Roosevelt and Lorena Hickok- 30 years
• Ruth Ellis and Cecine "Babe" Franklin- 30 years
• Gaye Adegbablola and Suzanne Moe- 9 years
• Rachel Carson and Dorothy Freeman- friends for 12 years

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Other Articles of Interest

Lesbian Couples and Friends: Is There Enough Love to Go Around?
by Kali Munro, M.Ed., Psychotherapist
(originally published in Siren, Aug/Sept 1999)

Why is it that lesbians can neglect or forget their friends when they get into a relationship? Whether it's the quality and intensity of our friendships that change, or the fact that we no longer make new friends, or that we rarely meet with friends independent of our partners, it always seems to happen once we're involved with someone.

Granted, after being in a relationship, our needs and interests change. Some lesbians want to connect with other couples or develop mutual friends. Some feel satisfied that their emotional needs are met by their partners. Others feel that their relationships demand a lot from them emotionally, leaving them less to offer to friends. While all of these are reasons to make some shifts, they don't compensate for the loss of a trusted friend. Or the independence and closeness that can be gained by hanging out with your own friends.

By the numbers -- Census 2000 was the most accurate federal accounting of gay Americans ever—but was it enough?  By Lee Condon
From The Advocate, September 25, 2001

Census 2000 may be best remembered as the gay census. For the first time, federal head-counters made a real effort to enumerate gay and lesbian households. As the data were released—four or five states a time—the numbers made the front pages of newspapers in big cities and small towns throughout the country. Although single gays and lesbians were left out of the count, demographers say the tally of 1.2 million same-sex “unmarried partners” is the result of the most substantial polling ever to be done of gays and lesbians in America.

While a study commissioned by the gay lobby group the Human Rights Campaign estimates that Census 2000 undercounted gay and lesbian couples by a huge 62%, the data nevertheless show that gays and lesbians are living in 99.3% of all counties in the United States.
 

Partners National Survey of Lesbian & Gay Couples
Summary of Results
© 1995, Partners Task Force for Gay & Lesbian Couples

In the fall of 1988, this major survey was undertaken to develop an accurate portrait of lesbian and gay couples in America. Survey forms were circulated through gay churches and community centers, but most couples requested the forms after reading notices in the gay press. Partners Magazine for Gay & Lesbian Couples and Out/Look (both now discontinued) and a few gay newspapers published the survey itself. Data was collected through fall 1989. The entire project was developed and conducted by Steve Bryant and Demian, Ed.D., co-directors of Partners Task Force For Gay & Lesbian Couples.

LENGTH OF RELATIONSHIP
			Women	Men
Average years		4.9	6.9

Relationships averaged nearly six years in length for all couples,
even though the average respondent was only 35 years old.
More than 100 couples had passed their 15th anniversary.
One lesbian relationship had spanned 43 years, and three male
couples had lasted more than 40 years. 19% of lesbian couples
and 13% of male couples had been together one year or less.

NUMBER OF PREVIOUS MAJOR GAY/LESBIAN RELATIONSHIPS
			Women(%)	Men(%)
None			32		38
One			26		33
Two			23		18
Three			10		 7
Four			 4		 3
Five or more		 5		 1

Average number		 1.52		 1.07

YEARS IN PREVIOUS MAJOR GAY/LESBIAN RELATIONSHIPS
			Women (%)	Men (%)
None			 1		 2
1 year			 8		20
2 years			12		22
3 years			10		13
4 years			11		10
5 years			10		 9
6 years			 8		 4
7 years			 6		 4
8 years			 5		 4
9 years			 5		 2
10 years		 7		 3
11-15 years		12		 4
16 or more		 6		 2

Average yrs		 6.6	 	 4.2

WHERE COUPLES MET
			Women(%)	Men(%)
Friends			28		19
Work			21		 7
Social event		16		13
School*			 9		 3
Bar			 4		22
Religious event		 4		 7
Political event		 4		 4
Support group*		 3		 2
Park/public space* 	 2		 6
Classified ad		 2		 6
Baths/cruising*		<1		 5
Other			 5		 6
	* write-in response

SEXUAL ORIENTATION
			Women(%)	Men(%)
Gay/lesbian		93		97
Bisexual		 7		 3

AGE
			Women		Men
Average years		34.7		36.5

RACE
	Women(%)	Men(%)
White			95		95
Latino/Latina		 2		 2
Black			 2		 1
Asian/Pacific Islander   1		 1
Native American		<1		<1
Other			<1		<1

INCOME
			Women(%)	Men(%)
$8,000 or below		10		8
$8,001 - 15,000		17		12
$15,001 - 25,000	27		26
$25,001 - 40,000	33		29
$40,001 - 65,000	11		16
above $65,000		 3		 9

INCOME SHARING
			Women(%)	Men(%)
Entirely shared		39		41
Partly shared		36		41
Not shared		25		19

TYPES OF DISCRIMINATION ENCOUNTERED AS A COUPLE
			Women(%)	Men(%)
Employment benefits	58		40
Taxes			47		37
Insurance		46		34
Membership		20		11
Credit/banking		15		10
Employment		14		13
Housing			11		11
Hotels			 6		 6
Hospital visitation	 6		 2
Adoption		 5		 2
Foster care		 3		 2
Other			 7		 4
None/none indicated	23		34

WHERE COUPLE LIVES
			Women(%)	Men(%)
Urban gay neighborhood	50		66
Urban area		11		9
Suburban area		29		15
Rural area		11		9

LIVING TOGETHER
			Women(%)	Men(%)
Always			75		82
Sometimes		12		11
Never			12		 6

RESIDENCE STATUS
			Women(%)	Men(%)
Jointly owned		32		36
Owned by one partner	24		24
Rented/leased by both	33		27
Rented/leased by one	11		13

NUMBER OF CHILDREN CARED FOR
			Women(%)	Men(%)
None			79		91
One			10		 5
Two			 8		 3
Three			 2		 1
Four or more		 2		 1

SOURCE OF CHILDREN
			Women(%)	Men(%)
Previous marriage	74		79
Alternative
   insemination		13		 0
Adoption		 7		 8
Foster parent program	 3		 6
Other source		11		11
	
SEXUAL AGREEMENTS
			Women(%)	Men(%)
Monogamy		91		63
Monogamy w/agreed
   exceptions		 7		26
Non-monogamy		 3		11

FREQUENCY OF BREAKING SEXUAL AGREEMENTS
			Women(%)	Men(%)
Never			90		63
Rarely			 8		28
Sometimes		 1		 8
Often			<1		 2

PARTNER'S ADMITTED FREQUENCY OF BREAKING SEXUAL AGREEMENTS
			Women(%)	Men(%)
Never			93		73
Rarely			 7		21
Sometimes		<1		 6
Often			<1		<1

FREQUENCY OF SEX WITH PARTNER PER MONTH
			Women(%)	Men(%)
None			 3		 6
1			15		 5
2			12		 8
3			10		 5
4			15		10
5-9			19		27
10-15			14		25
16 or more		11		15

Average			 7.1		10.1
Median			 4		 8

QUALITY OF SEX WITH PARTNER
			Women(%)   Men(%)
Excellent		54		34
Good			24		33
Satisfactory		16		25
Unsatisfactory		 7		 9

FREQUENCY OF OUTSIDE SEX PER MONTH
			Women(%)	Men(%)
None			98		78
1			 1		10
2			<1		 5
3			<1		 3
4			<1		 2
5-10			<1		 2
11 or more		<1		 1

Average			 0.06	  0.63

TWO GREATEST CHALLENGES TO RELATIONSHIP
			Women(%)	Men(%)
Communication		42		49
Career			26		30
Relatives		26		18
Sex			25		22
Money			25		28
Health			 9		12
Co-workers		 3		 2
Neighbors		 1		 1
Other			23		13

RELATIONSHIP HAS SUFFERED FROM
			Women(%)	Men(%)
Partner's
   Verbal abuse		17		15
   Substance abuse	 7		11
   Physical abuse	 3		 3
Respondent's
   Verbal abuse		19		16
   Substance abuse	 8		 8
   Physical abuse	 3		 2

BIG ARGUMENTS PER MONTH
			Women(%)	Men(%)
None			57		65
One			31		26
Two			 9		 6
Three or more		 3		 4

Average number		 1.0		 0.6

SMALL ARGUMENTS PER MONTH
			Women(%)	Men(%)
None			10		13
One		 	21		20
Two			28		26
Three			14		14
Four			11		10
Five			 5		 6
Six or more		11		12

Average number		 3.5	 3.7


PREFERRED NAME FOR PARTNER
			Women(%)	Men(%)
Partner/life partner	35		27
Lover			30		40
Spouse			10		 9
Roommate/friend		 7		 5
Mate/life mate		 4		 6
Boyfriend/girlfriend	 2		 2
Husband/wife		 1		 1
Multiple responses	 9		 8
Other			 2		 4

LEGAL ARRANGEMENTS
			Women(%)		Men(%)
			Done	[Planned]	Done	[Planned]
Will			32	[46]		39	[40]
Power of Attorney	28	[41]		27	[29]
Partnership/Living
   Together Agreement	 9	[18]		10	[13]
Other			 6	[4]		3	[1]

DEGREE OF COMMITMENT
			Women(%)	Men(%)
For life 		67		76
For a long time		25		20
For a while		 7		 4
Briefly			<1		 0

RELATIONSHIP RITUALS
			Women(%)	Men(%)
Held ceremony		19		11
Wear ring/symbol	57		36
Other ritual		12		 9

QUALITY OF RELATIONSHIP
			Women(%)	Men(%)
1 (Highest)		47		36
2			32		39
3			13		15
4			 2		 4
5			 2		 3
6			 2		 3
7 (Lowest)		 1		 1

Average rating		 1.9		 2.1

SOURCES OF SUPPORT
   (rated from 1 = strong support to 7 = hostile)
			Women		  Men
Gay friends		 1.50		 1.65
Gay church		 1.59		 1.99
Lesbian/gay
   couples group	 1.63		 1.77
Other gay organizations	 1.69		 1.91
Other friends		 2.15		 2.09
Co-workers		 2.72		 2.55
Siblings		 2.82		 2.80
Boss			 2.84		 2.78
Mother			 3.34		 2.98
Other relatives		 3.44		 3.34
Father			 3.71		 3.37
Church			 4.22		 4.54
Average rating		 2.64		 2.65

SOURCE OF SURVEY RESPONSES
			Women(%)	Men(%)
Unknown (gay/lesbian
   newspapers, political,
   social & religious
   gay groups)		56		52
Out/Look magazine	34		27
Partners Newsletter	 3		13
Other			 8		 8

Click Here to Read the Full Survey