Lesbian Lovers
The assumption of many straight friends of
mine is that lesbians and gays do not have long-term
relationships. When pressed, they often paint
stereotypical images of gay men in bath houses, women in prison,
or, when they have run out of things to say, they continue with
"these relationships are destined to fail." Really?
I have been fortunate enough to know women who
have been in monogamous relationships for 5, 10, 15, 20, 30 and
40+ years. I knew one couple who had been together through
their marriages to men, helped each other raise their children,
attended the funeral of one husband, and when I left Chicago in
1990, were still together. They referred to each other as
"special friends."
On the topic of special friends, like
Alice Dunbar-Nelson,
there are many bisexual women who have maintained equally
committed and lengthy relationships. In my early 20s,
many, many, moons ago, I attended several parties thrown by
women for women who were married or, for whatever reasons, could
not be OUT and were living public lives as wives, mothers, and
executives. I had the pleasure of meeting a couple
at one of these parties who had been together for a little over
five years. Their husbands (how they met) had
parted ways long ago when they changed jobs, but these two women
maintained their "special friendship" and cared very much for
each other. Two beautiful women who loved kissing
each other.
For those of you at the six-month, one-year,
of four-year marker in your relationship, take heart.
FemmeNoir presents Famous Lesbian Lovers in History. The
links below will take you to photos and some very brief bios of
these loving couples.
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Mary Renault and Julie Mullard- Together 50+
years
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Jane Rule and Helen Sonthoff- Together 42 years
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Natalie Barney and Romaine Brooks- 50 years
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Gertrude Stein and Alice B. Toklas- Together 40
years (buried together in Pere Lachaise Cemetary in France)
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Mary Wooley and Jeannette Marks- Together 52
years
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Tiny Davis and Ruby Lucas (jazz musicians)- 42
years and counting...
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Lillian Foster and Mabel Hampton- 41 years
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Grace Hutchins (1885-1969)and Anna Rochester
(1880-1966)-
More than 45 years
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Alice James and Katharine Loring- (1880-1892)
12 years
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Eleanor Roosevelt and Lorena Hickok- 30 years
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Ruth Ellis and Cecine "Babe" Franklin- 30 years
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Gaye Adegbablola and Suzanne Moe- 9 years
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Rachel Carson and Dorothy Freeman- friends for
12 years
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Other Articles of Interest
Lesbian Couples and Friends: Is There Enough Love to Go Around?
by Kali Munro, M.Ed., Psychotherapist
(originally published in Siren, Aug/Sept 1999)
Why is it that lesbians can neglect or forget
their friends when they get into a relationship? Whether it's
the quality and intensity of our friendships that change, or the
fact that we no longer make new friends, or that we rarely meet
with friends independent of our partners, it always seems to
happen once we're involved with someone.
Granted, after being in a relationship, our needs and interests
change. Some lesbians want to connect with other couples or
develop mutual friends. Some feel satisfied that their emotional
needs are met by their partners. Others feel that their
relationships demand a lot from them emotionally, leaving them
less to offer to friends. While all of these are reasons to make
some shifts, they don't compensate for the loss of a trusted
friend. Or the independence and closeness that can be gained by
hanging out with your own friends.
By the numbers -- Census 2000 was the most accurate federal
accounting of gay Americans ever—but was it enough?
By Lee Condon
From The Advocate, September 25, 2001
Census 2000 may be best remembered as the gay
census. For the first time, federal head-counters made a real
effort to enumerate gay and lesbian households. As the data were
released—four or five states a time—the numbers made the front
pages of newspapers in big cities and small towns throughout the
country. Although single gays and lesbians were left out of the
count, demographers say the tally of 1.2 million same-sex
“unmarried partners” is the result of the most substantial
polling ever to be done of gays and lesbians in America.
While a study commissioned by the gay lobby group the Human
Rights Campaign estimates that Census 2000 undercounted gay and
lesbian couples by a huge 62%, the data nevertheless show that
gays and lesbians are living in 99.3% of all counties in the
United States.
Partners
National Survey of Lesbian & Gay Couples
Summary of Results
© 1995, Partners Task Force for Gay & Lesbian Couples
In the fall of 1988, this major survey was
undertaken to develop an accurate portrait of lesbian and gay
couples in America. Survey forms were circulated through gay
churches and community centers, but most couples requested the
forms after reading notices in the gay press. Partners Magazine
for Gay & Lesbian Couples and Out/Look (both now discontinued)
and a few gay newspapers published the survey itself. Data was
collected through fall 1989. The entire project was developed
and conducted by Steve Bryant and Demian, Ed.D., co-directors of
Partners Task Force For Gay & Lesbian Couples.
Survey Excerpt
© 1995,
Partners Task Force for Gay & Lesbian Couples
LENGTH OF RELATIONSHIP
Women Men
Average years 4.9 6.9
Relationships averaged nearly six years in length for all couples,
even though the average respondent was only 35 years old.
More than 100 couples had passed their 15th anniversary.
One lesbian relationship had spanned 43 years, and three male
couples had lasted more than 40 years. 19% of lesbian couples
and 13% of male couples had been together one year or less.
NUMBER OF PREVIOUS MAJOR GAY/LESBIAN RELATIONSHIPS
Women(%) Men(%)
None 32 38
One 26 33
Two 23 18
Three 10 7
Four 4 3
Five or more 5 1
Average number 1.52 1.07
YEARS IN PREVIOUS MAJOR GAY/LESBIAN RELATIONSHIPS
Women (%) Men (%)
None 1 2
1 year 8 20
2 years 12 22
3 years 10 13
4 years 11 10
5 years 10 9
6 years 8 4
7 years 6 4
8 years 5 4
9 years 5 2
10 years 7 3
11-15 years 12 4
16 or more 6 2
Average yrs 6.6 4.2
WHERE COUPLES MET
Women(%) Men(%)
Friends 28 19
Work 21 7
Social event 16 13
School* 9 3
Bar 4 22
Religious event 4 7
Political event 4 4
Support group* 3 2
Park/public space* 2 6
Classified ad 2 6
Baths/cruising* <1 5
Other 5 6
* write-in response
SEXUAL ORIENTATION
Women(%) Men(%)
Gay/lesbian 93 97
Bisexual 7 3
AGE
Women Men
Average years 34.7 36.5
RACE
Women(%) Men(%)
White 95 95
Latino/Latina 2 2
Black 2 1
Asian/Pacific Islander 1 1
Native American <1 <1
Other <1 <1
INCOME
Women(%) Men(%)
$8,000 or below 10 8
$8,001 - 15,000 17 12
$15,001 - 25,000 27 26
$25,001 - 40,000 33 29
$40,001 - 65,000 11 16
above $65,000 3 9
INCOME SHARING
Women(%) Men(%)
Entirely shared 39 41
Partly shared 36 41
Not shared 25 19
TYPES OF DISCRIMINATION ENCOUNTERED AS A COUPLE
Women(%) Men(%)
Employment benefits 58 40
Taxes 47 37
Insurance 46 34
Membership 20 11
Credit/banking 15 10
Employment 14 13
Housing 11 11
Hotels 6 6
Hospital visitation 6 2
Adoption 5 2
Foster care 3 2
Other 7 4
None/none indicated 23 34
WHERE COUPLE LIVES
Women(%) Men(%)
Urban gay neighborhood 50 66
Urban area 11 9
Suburban area 29 15
Rural area 11 9
LIVING TOGETHER
Women(%) Men(%)
Always 75 82
Sometimes 12 11
Never 12 6
RESIDENCE STATUS
Women(%) Men(%)
Jointly owned 32 36
Owned by one partner 24 24
Rented/leased by both 33 27
Rented/leased by one 11 13
NUMBER OF CHILDREN CARED FOR
Women(%) Men(%)
None 79 91
One 10 5
Two 8 3
Three 2 1
Four or more 2 1
SOURCE OF CHILDREN
Women(%) Men(%)
Previous marriage 74 79
Alternative
insemination 13 0
Adoption 7 8
Foster parent program 3 6
Other source 11 11
SEXUAL AGREEMENTS
Women(%) Men(%)
Monogamy 91 63
Monogamy w/agreed
exceptions 7 26
Non-monogamy 3 11
FREQUENCY OF BREAKING SEXUAL AGREEMENTS
Women(%) Men(%)
Never 90 63
Rarely 8 28
Sometimes 1 8
Often <1 2
PARTNER'S ADMITTED FREQUENCY OF BREAKING SEXUAL AGREEMENTS
Women(%) Men(%)
Never 93 73
Rarely 7 21
Sometimes <1 6
Often <1 <1
FREQUENCY OF SEX WITH PARTNER PER MONTH
Women(%) Men(%)
None 3 6
1 15 5
2 12 8
3 10 5
4 15 10
5-9 19 27
10-15 14 25
16 or more 11 15
Average 7.1 10.1
Median 4 8
QUALITY OF SEX WITH PARTNER
Women(%) Men(%)
Excellent 54 34
Good 24 33
Satisfactory 16 25
Unsatisfactory 7 9
FREQUENCY OF OUTSIDE SEX PER MONTH
Women(%) Men(%)
None 98 78
1 1 10
2 <1 5
3 <1 3
4 <1 2
5-10 <1 2
11 or more <1 1
Average 0.06 0.63
TWO GREATEST CHALLENGES TO RELATIONSHIP
Women(%) Men(%)
Communication 42 49
Career 26 30
Relatives 26 18
Sex 25 22
Money 25 28
Health 9 12
Co-workers 3 2
Neighbors 1 1
Other 23 13
RELATIONSHIP HAS SUFFERED FROM
Women(%) Men(%)
Partner's
Verbal abuse 17 15
Substance abuse 7 11
Physical abuse 3 3
Respondent's
Verbal abuse 19 16
Substance abuse 8 8
Physical abuse 3 2
BIG ARGUMENTS PER MONTH
Women(%) Men(%)
None 57 65
One 31 26
Two 9 6
Three or more 3 4
Average number 1.0 0.6
SMALL ARGUMENTS PER MONTH
Women(%) Men(%)
None 10 13
One 21 20
Two 28 26
Three 14 14
Four 11 10
Five 5 6
Six or more 11 12
Average number 3.5 3.7
PREFERRED NAME FOR PARTNER
Women(%) Men(%)
Partner/life partner 35 27
Lover 30 40
Spouse 10 9
Roommate/friend 7 5
Mate/life mate 4 6
Boyfriend/girlfriend 2 2
Husband/wife 1 1
Multiple responses 9 8
Other 2 4
LEGAL ARRANGEMENTS
Women(%) Men(%)
Done [Planned] Done [Planned]
Will 32 [46] 39 [40]
Power of Attorney 28 [41] 27 [29]
Partnership/Living
Together Agreement 9 [18] 10 [13]
Other 6 [4] 3 [1]
DEGREE OF COMMITMENT
Women(%) Men(%)
For life 67 76
For a long time 25 20
For a while 7 4
Briefly <1 0
RELATIONSHIP RITUALS
Women(%) Men(%)
Held ceremony 19 11
Wear ring/symbol 57 36
Other ritual 12 9
QUALITY OF RELATIONSHIP
Women(%) Men(%)
1 (Highest) 47 36
2 32 39
3 13 15
4 2 4
5 2 3
6 2 3
7 (Lowest) 1 1
Average rating 1.9 2.1
SOURCES OF SUPPORT
(rated from 1 = strong support to 7 = hostile)
Women Men
Gay friends 1.50 1.65
Gay church 1.59 1.99
Lesbian/gay
couples group 1.63 1.77
Other gay organizations 1.69 1.91
Other friends 2.15 2.09
Co-workers 2.72 2.55
Siblings 2.82 2.80
Boss 2.84 2.78
Mother 3.34 2.98
Other relatives 3.44 3.34
Father 3.71 3.37
Church 4.22 4.54
Average rating 2.64 2.65
SOURCE OF SURVEY RESPONSES
Women(%) Men(%)
Unknown (gay/lesbian
newspapers, political,
social & religious
gay groups) 56 52
Out/Look magazine 34 27
Partners Newsletter 3 13
Other 8 8
Click Here to Read the Full Survey
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