I thought I knew what "in" love was. Or at
least thought I knew what it looked like when I saw it headed my
way. Typically (back in nineteen seventy-eight) it was tall,
black and hopefully had a beard. It was male. I remember
the day it stopped being any of those things.
One morning out of the corner of my eye, minding my own
business. Hating my job and life in general.. I caught
sight of this creature. I turned to see what it was and from a
distance I saw nothing but blonde hair. Which is what I named
it. "Oh blonde hair." Well, "blonde hair" saw me see her.
And I ended that first glance with; "humph now I wonder who that
is getting ready to bug me about this damn job". I mumbled on
for a few minutes. And forgot about her. Over the next few days
she passed closer and closer to my area. I finally asked
someone. Who is "blonde hair"? Well blonde hair was a timestudy
engineer.
"Oh!! thats what thats about. She's going to
time my job". That's this feeling of prey in waiting I have. (I
thought). Finally she approached. That is when the music
started. From the moment she opened her mouth. I was chocolate
pudding.
I was set to give her my old blue collar to
management, chilly, flip, kiss my ass, I am a black woman
attitude... And she said "Hi are you working to a standard"?
Well that was wrong... she was suppose to say.. "Get ready; I'm
gonna time this job"!! I must have repeated her words in my head
fifty times for the rest of the day til finally I asked myself
"What the f**k I was doing that for. And my intimidating reply?
"No"?
This was a damn barbie doll. I even fussed at her about her
blonde hair, letting her know I thought she had too much...
hoping she would walk away. She made me shake. Next day she came
back with it cut. I tripped, and stumbled over and into
everything in my work area. If it was Angela Davis, or Nikki
Giovanni, or even the sista that worked across from me I could
relate to what this might be. Sistas!! I had no
clue.
Over the course of a year this lovely woman
changed my life. She tended to my soul. Before we met, I was
depressed, hated my job. Late everyday. Absent at least once, or
twice a week. Forty lbs over weight, and driving like a maniac
every time I got behind the wheel. We talked everyday. And would
get to work about the same time and walk in together...
And every morning she would come to my area to start her day...
I was drawn to her like a magnet. And she never moved away.
I quit smoking, and snorting, everything, and
began stopping at every stop sign. I changed inside and out. I
hung on her every word. I gave up trying to figure out who or
what she was. The change became so drastic... I was in love. I
glowed. I floated. I embraced. And men flocked. They asked me
out in droves. Black, white, chicano asian.. I was afraid I was
giving off a scent or something. And probably was. I began
dating alot. But wasn't sexually active at all. I didn't know
then but I know now. She probably didn't like that. She could
see guys coming into my work area, and we had a huge passive
aggressive, non-verbal fight that hurt to the core. But daaamn I
just didn't know what to do.
She was married.... And said "maybe some
other time", when I finally got up enough nerve. to ask her for
coffee. Earlier when she asked me I said I was kinda busy. It
was for the best. I had to put these feelings into something..
So I got married, bought a house, and had two beautiful
children. I remember after not seeing her for a while she came
to me one day and asked what was up? I told her. And she grabbed
my arm to steady herself. I knew the feeling. My company offered
a salary job to me. But I just don't like that kind of
atmosphere. I am an artist. I could not have taken those
cubicles. If she had asked me. You know I would have.
I would see her at work from
time to time. And that was all I needed. I did need that to keep
breathing. I later transferred departments. My last day in the
department I asked her after a year of this. I looked her
straight in the eye and asked .."who are you"?... "what was
this"? She looked as if she was going to tell me and these
guys!!!! came walking up and she walked away saying.. "Its been
real Boz".
Whaaaat!!!??? its been real.??? what's been real?????
I never told her how I felt in words. She never told me. I have
seen her once in 20 yrs.. She quit a couple of years later, and
is a professor at a local college here. I still think of her and
wonder if I should ever make that call. I don't think it's
necessary tho'. I have been divorced for over ten years now. No
surprise there, And have had only one relationship since with a
very nice sista. But I know what "in" love is. I have been
recently reminded. I want the lady l love now to be chocolate
pudding. I like feeling like a swan.
Cass