Happy New Year Everyone!!! Unfortunately, the last week of the old year was spent in pain. Absolute Pain!!! I was in so much pain I had to resort to old faithful, the cane. I will admit I brought it on myself by indulging in too much sugar. I could not help myself and as such I knew it would happen. Refined sugar is not a good thing for people like me and the holidays always brings me a bucket load of surprises.

Well, it’s over now and though I still have sweet gifts like New York Cheesecake, Old Fashioned Carmel Corn from the Midwest, homemade cookies, etc., I will now eat them with some reserve, not like Lady Pac Man.

As for my New Year’s celebration, I spent it at home, gratefully so. I have resolved I will never attend another party where my senses and sensibilities are assaulted. Translation, no more knucklehead music. I cannot bear it. For those who don’t know me, my radio station of choice is now KUSC. Since K-Mozart (KMZT) moved to the AM dial, KUSC now rocks my world. People cursing me out, shouting at me, using profanity, etc., does nothing for me. If I want passion to the point of frustration I will listen to Sergei or I’ll watch Lang Lang kill himself some Sergei.

Last year was an interesting year and I will also add, the past decade has also been interesting. Last year I was finally released from a parallel. I wish I could say more about this but I cannot. What I learned from the parallel was even if I had done things differently (i.e., some regrets), I would probably still be where I am today and perhaps I would now harbor more bitterness, anger and frustration. I was given the perfect example to show that under the best circumstances life does not always pan out in a way you want or expect.

A bitter pill to swallow for sure but a pill I needed to swallow. I had been kicking myself for a long while wishing I had done things differently only to find I might have ended up a little worse for wear if I had pursued those avenues. I can now say I am glad I am where I am sans the baggage of expectation, dreams differed and ultimate disillusionment. I am thankful.

In what I have called my season of death — which extends now to the decade of death — I learned so much through pain. One lesson learned this past decade is sometimes you have to give up stuff in order to get the real stuff. We can hold onto items, things, people, stuff believing them important. However, when you give them up — and it’s hard to do, trust me — only then will we obtain that which is most valuable.

There is a wonderful quote by Richard Bach that says “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they’re yours; if they don’t they never were” Well, that has proven itself many times over and not so much for love, but for want of things and people too. I learned to release tight grips from around thoughts, beliefs, ideas, etc., and in return I was given something better every time. If there was a belief, thought or person I should keep in my life, it was returned to me with better understanding or wisdom.

My meeting Christine in 1995 was another lesson learned from giving up or releasing certain beliefs. To make a long story short, I came to California in 1990 — I now realize a few days before her birthday — because of a prayer I had during Mass some months prior. In that prayer I was given the day and date I should arrive here. When I returned to work that day I looked at my desk calendar and was surprised to find both the day and date were absolutely correct. Shocker for me it was.

In my spirit, I knew not to take the job offered me when I arrived here in Los Angeles.  Instead, I rescinded the offer on the day I was to start work. Another shocker but I did it. I waited a few weeks and was offered another job, substantially less money I might add, because I was to meet someone important. I didn’t know it at the time but that person taught me a great deal.  Through her I gave up a belief system I had established for myself prior to coming to Los Angeles. When she died and since I had given up the belief system I had, my feet were quickly ordered in the direction of Christine and what a whirlwind journey that was.

First, I was pushed in one direction, then another, ended up over there, then over here and finally my eyes were opened to things I should have seen before but could not see because I had literally been blinded to them until the time was right. It was the weirdest experience of my life but it happened. I laugh about it now but at the time I was a little confused. Apparently, I was not where I needed to be and I liken the experience to having someone grab me by the arm and they personally escorted me through doors, down hallways, and around corners until I was where I needed to be to meet Christine. I really need to write a book about that experience.

For some of my friends who I’ve spoken to about this, I have often said I was made dumb and stupid after meeting Christine. That is not to say I was literally dumb and stupid, no. What that means is my Type A personality, wild temper and my sometimes “I own the world” attitude was tamped down. For those friends of Christine who knew me, I will add you never really knew me, it was never meant for you to know me, it was not meant to be and that is why I could never reconnect with you. My purpose was to be there for Christine only. No one else. I did not realize this at the time but now I do. Every attempt I made to reconnect was fraught with all sorts of blocks. I can’t begin to tell you how many roadblocks were placed in my way to prevent reconnecting with folks. When I finally gave up — gave up being the operative words here — other doors opened for me.

The morning Christine died I had a horrible experience. I say horrible but in truth it was a good experience, just frightening. Never in my life have I heard two distinct voices coming from within. Never, but I did that morning. I have talked about this with a few close friends but today I’m putting it out there. It was absolutely frightening. One voice, a very powerful one, basically talked her home. The other, my voice, was jabbering hysterically like “what the hell is going on here?”

There is a story told and I don’t remember if it was Chuck Yeager or A. Scott Crossfield who told the story but, it is about what they felt when they saw the moon, the stars and the curvature of the earth after reaching Mach 1 or 2 at about 65,000 plus feet. That’s kind of what it was like for me while talking in this strange voice as she was dying. We got to this place of extreme peace and she was gone. I wanted to stay there but could not. For many years after I think I wanted to die because I wanted to go back to that place. It wasn’t meant to be and that is why I believe this illness has helped me refocus my life on what is real, right now, me.

As they say, when one door closes another opens, well, that’s what happened. The door that opened is not new really, it actually opened in the fall of 1998. The open door ushered in the season of death as Saturn entered the sign of Taurus. During the next few years of Saturn’s stay, instead of living an outward life, my life became more contemplative, inward, reserved. I am now calling this experience the time my unconscious made a pathway to my conscious. Weird science folks, really weird stuff. This experience actually prepared me for Christine’s death and beyond.

Another something strange that happened was being given a waking dream. The dream started strangely because it involved two people. I have since realized these two people have nothing to do with me, per se, at least not now. However, from them came me and that’s how I know they had nothing to do with what I thought at the time. This waking dream has been with me for more than 10 years and as such, anything given me with a full blueprint must be followed. I can see no other way but to do it.

With that, I spent January 1st giving myself over to the extreme weirdness that is my life. I looked over the years at both the physical experiences and the spiritual. I will admit, the spiritual stuff is weird but it is so close to the bone and so real for me. Admittedly, most of the time I understood none of what was going on. I also now understand why Christine, in a dream, told me to not look back. She’s on the other side now and probably knows a little something I don’t know and I’m going to go with it.

This next decade, God willing and the creek don’t rise, I plan on working on my plan. I’m putting a lot of stuff behind me, I’m giving it up, and this time I am ready to move on. I’m going to do me for a change — that stuff that’s close to the bone — and will enjoy every bit of it. If I should go into remission — which would not shock me at this point — I’ll do alright. If, however, this is the cross I must bear moving forward in order to keep me focused, I accept that as well.

Happy New Year!

Only Because I Like It . . .

Michael Jackson – In The Closet (Backstage) HD