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Coming Out Late

December 13th, 2009 → 11:31 am @ Angela Odom

Meredith Baxter

CNN has a great article on coming out late where they talk about the recent announcement made by Meredith Baxter and another man who apparently came out on their iReport site.

Marrying someone of the opposite sex, but coming out as gay or lesbian later in life is not uncommon, therapists say. A prominent example is actress Meredith Baxter, 62, who had been married to men three times but recently announced that she has been dating women for the past seven years. The thought of being gay “had never crossed my mind,” before seven years ago, she told People magazine earlier this month.

Now at 50 plus myself, I have lived long enough to see quite a few men and women come out in their 50s and 60s after living their lives as married men and women. Some of the women found themselves looking for companionship only to find men their age were looking for “bodies by Fisher with minds by Mattel” or “Fine Young Cannibals.” Others always felt they were gay/lesbian but chose to live their lives in marriages of convenience — they didn’t want their marriages but believed they had no choice but marry and live the lives everyone expected them to live. For a couple of folks I know, the change came after the death of a sibling which forced them to look at their own mortality.

Women, more often than men, report having these awakenings later in life, said Chris Kraft, clinical director at the Johns Hopkins Sexual Behaviors Consultation Unit. Males who decide to adopt a gay lifestyle late in adulthood generally have known about their orientation since their school years but do not want to risk telling others.

I was glad to see this article and sent it off to a few friends because there is very little out there for those LGBT folks who are older or coming out late in life. A few of my friends had a difficult time finding anything for older gays and lesbians. What they found was geared more toward younger people which did not relate to anything they felt.

In her first interview with the Advocate, Baxter describes the moment when she realized the truth:

“The analogy I’ve used is a story [from] when I was a kid. I never could see very well …. When I was 12 I tried on a [friend’s] pair of glasses and I was stunned with how clearly I could see. In truth, I used to think trees looked like lollipops because there was a solid stake and this solid ball. I didn’t know most people could see leaves. Oh, this is how the world is perceived?

“That’s kind of what having that second relationship [with a woman] made me realize — that this is where I want to be because I was dead to the world in many other ways. I’ve been married three times, and I have a slew of children, but I’ve never felt that kind of connection before in that kind of awakening.

“It was very profound for me”

Her words are not unusual because I’ve heard them numerous times. Are we born gay? I dunno, I cannot analyze that sans to say what I felt at a very young age. Do we choose to be gay? Can’t answer that either sans to say my choice was to not marry because I did not want to live a farce, like many women I knew who married and cheated on their husbands with other women. The same is also true of men who cheat on their wives with other men. What’s the point? The choice for many is to either come out and be killed or beat across the head by an idiot with a 2×4 for being gay or live your life in the closet, married, and cheating. I did not like the latter and as such, I took my chances with the 2×4.

Anywho, the CNN story is an interesting one. I was glad to see it.